No Bondage, No Respect

Ah, Sheree Wilson. She's got to be one of the most tied-up actresses mmmphing today. "Walker, Testosterone Ranger" is fast becoming legendary for the frequency of its bondage scenes -- in just about every other episode, some damsel finds herself in need of rescue by Chuck Norris and the boys.

Quite often, that damsel is Sheree Wilson.

ALSO FROM PAT POWERS

In this particular scene, Sheree's subject to one of the silliest forms of bondage known -- they have gagged her, but they have not tied her hands at all. In short, No Bondage when there Really Shoulda Been Bondage. This is a very familiar error -- it's quite common to see villains leaving damsels alone and untied in rooms full of hacksaws, grenades, blowtorches, lockpicks, automatic weapons and what-have you. Then they come back and are OUTRAGED, simply OUTRAGED that the damsel has escaped. Or you'll see paunchy villains who look like they'd drop dead if they tried to do a 50-yard dash at more than a walk using nothing more than a hand on the elbow and a scowl to control svelte young women who look like they could outrun a gazelle on the veldt without breaking a sweat.

In this particular case, the Children of Halloween cult is in arrears in its human sacrifice taxes to the IRS, and Sheree's ritual murder is intended to balance accounts. I mean, they may be a bloodthirsty cult, but nobody screws with the IRS.

These cheese-brained villains are actually trusting Sheree to go along docilely to her doom, without so much as a rope or a chain on her. Um, the reason you tie a damsel up is that you think she may be dangerous and unruly and not at all willing to go along with human sacrifice or what-have-you, which is a pretty reasonable expectation for a Texas Ranger babe. Well, she may be a damsel in distress, but she's no wimp. As soon as she gets a shot, "Crack!" an elbow to the face and the formerly gloating villainess is down. A moment later, the gag is off.

Are Chuck and the gang on the way for a rescue? You bet! In no time, the Children of Halloween is one beat-up looking cult, their members lying around in unconscious heaps, doing some free-form bleeding and groaning.

Serves 'em right for not tying Sheree up. And it serves the director right to receive a Loosie Award for No Bondage Where There Shoulda Been Bondage. Now cart 'em all off to the IRS guys -- they still owe for that human sacrifice!

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