Film and TV Stars Irate Over Bad Damsel In Distress Scenes

Twelve major Hollywood stars have gathered together to speak out about a little-known but appalling problem for actresses working in Hollywood: bad damsel in distress scenes.

Led by Cameron Dizzy, Annabella Scorra, Kim Cattnipp, Teri Hatchu, Ashley Juggs, Bridget Fondle, Linnea Quimley, Michelle Blower, Tammy Perks, Stephanie Beatme and the ever-delectable Lisa Comshot, the stars gathered together at the entrance to the Universal Pictures lot to demonstrate their solidarity with actresses throughout Hollywood who are insisting that they be freed from the horrors of loose ropes, thin cleave gags, and ill-fitting manacles.

Accompanying these actresses were such old hands as Noell Kneel and Dawn Wellendowed, actresses who recounted their glory days as damsels in distress.

"I thoroughly enjoyed being tied up for the Superguy TV series," said Kneel. "There was always a vague sense of disappointment when Superguy rescued me and untied me. I didn't understand why I was disappointed back then, but I know now!"

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"Look, it's very simple," said movie star Cameron Dizzy, noted for her bondage scenes in "A Life Less Organized" and "Head Above H20." We as actresses understand that good bondage scenes are critical to the success of our movies, both from a marketing point of view and as dramatic presentations -- and hence they're critical to the success of our careers. When we get tied up onscreen, we want to be tied up right -- no sloppy rope work, no manacles twice the size of our wrists, no thin cleave gags that we could recite Shakespeare through. We want our hands tied behind our backs whenever possible, we want our mouths filled with packing, preferably or a ball gag whenever we're gagged, and we would REALLY like it if we could be hogtied more often, wear head harnesses, the occasional spreader bars -- anything but the same old badly knotted ropes.

"We actresses are TIRED of struggling desperately to keep a few loosely knotted strands of rope on our wrists during scenes which often require lots of writhing around and intense acting," said Cameron Dizzy. "We are tired of having our best scenes cut out of political sensitivity and directorial stupidity. I don't know how many times I've spent hours bound hand and foot, gagged, and writhing furiously, only to have all that action cut down to a three-second flash by some idiot director who will give two to three minutes of screen time to a mediocre sunset or a shot of a car driving down a freeway. It's time directors recognized that if you go to the trouble of tying an actress up and gagging her, you need to use the footage you get. C'mon, guys, there's a REASON our bondage scenes always make it into the trailers for our films. We want our writhing to work for us."

Kim Cattnipp has been in onscreen bondage a great deal, but she has one particular bondage scene that is legend among TV and movie bondage buffs. In "Big Bondage In Little China" she's captured by an evil Chinese demon operating out of San Francisco, and locked away in the holding pens used in his white slaving operation. Because she's been violent and noisy, she's gagged and hogtied, though her clothes are inexplicably retained. Rather than give audiences a nice, long take in order to register Kim's distress at being so bound, the director opted for two very brief scenes that, combined, totaled a scant five seconds.

"I was prepared to act my ass off, in that scene," said Cattnipp. "It would have added a lot of impact to the scene where Kirby Russell rescues me if the audience could have seen me struggling desperately to escape my bonds. what a disappointment."

"I only wish the director had opted to give ME a hogtie in "Head Above H20"-- just as the actress who played my role in the original Danish version of "Head Above H20" was hogtied," said Dizzy. "I could have struggled and writhed and rolled around on the floor and had the audience half mad with lust, fear and excitement. But no, my director had me tied to a chair. At least I was able to persuade him to use a lemon as packing in my gag, so I could do a realistic job of mmmmphing. Nothing makes you feel more stupid than trying to act as if a thin cleave gag has silenced you."

"Yes, for God's sake, stop tying us to chairs that we can hardly move in!" cried Bridget Fondle. "In my big scene in "Single While Female," I was so thoroughly tied with duct tape that I could hardly twitch. It was really hard to act terror under such circumstances. But imagine if she'd left me with my wrists tied to my ankles. I could have spent the whole time writhing furiously, crawling around on the floor, moaning, writhing, waggling my ass in the air -- it would have been great! The audience would have understood my terror and my desperation. much more clearly. And the scene when I kiss my captor to keep her from cutting my throat would have been so much more powerful with me sweaty, my shirt half off, my hair disheveled."

"I know what you mean," said Ashley Juggs whose film "Kuss the Girls" featured some bondage, but much to her regret, she personally was not bound. "There was a scene in "Kuss the Girl" where the serial killer has a bunch of victims sitting in chairs in his lair. They're supposed to have their hands tied around the back of the chairs, but instead of actually tying the victims with rope, the director said "Just act it, ladies, and we'll keep the cameras away from you."

Well, as you can imagine, the girls were outraged!" Juggs continued. "They didn't want the cameras AWAY from them. 'How the hell are we supposed to act terrified if this weenie doesn't even tie up our hands for real?' asked one. "It's a lot easier to act terrified if you really are tied up.' And the director just made some smart remark about how a real actress can ACT bondage. Why should she have to, though, when all it takes is a short length of rope to make the bondage real for her? Then she can concentrate on acting terrified, and not worry about whether some accidental movement is going to put a clearly unbound hand into the frame."

'I would like to personally thank these wonderful former bondage models who also act in mainstream films for teaching us that bondage can be safe, comfortable and fun," said Teri Hatchu. "Their expertise as bondage models has left us much less at the mercy of the clueless prop people who usually wind up tying us up. Now that we've heard about the skill and care for their safety that's exercised in bondage photo shoots, we're much more able to protect ourselves from injury and ineptitude. When some doofus wants to put just turn of rope around my wrists, I gently remind him or her that putting all the pressure on a single loop could injure my nerves and tendons, and that spreading the tension across several loops is much safer. You should see the thought trying to flicker across their foreheads."

"I am totally with you there, the former bondage models who've lowered themselves to work in mainstream have taught us so much," said Laura San Giarococo. "In a recent film, I was supposed to be tied up and gagged. So the director has the prop guy tie my hands in front of me. Instead of just mmmphing and rolling my eyes when the scene started, I just pulled the gag off with my bound hands and called the director a nincompoop. Had to do it three or four times before he gave up and had my hands tied behind my back, which was not only more authentic, but more form-flattering as well. Nothing like having your hands tied behind your back to lift and separate those big mamas."

"And would it KILL you to tie a joyrope on us now and then, especially one with a few strategically placed knots?" asked Anabella Scorra. "I spent 12 hours in a hogtie in 'Cries and Whistles.' A nice crotch rope with a few strategically placed knots would have made the time go by much more pleasurably. We want to enjoy our bondage, too, the audience shouldn't have ALL the fun!"

"That's why we are so proud to announce the inception of the Loosies, the Bad Bondage in Movies and Television Award!" said B-movie scream queen and former bondage model Michelle Blower. "Each year these awards will be given to the actors, directors and writers whose films contains the worst bondage scenes. A distinguished panel of online bondage experts has generously agreed to contribute their time and efforts to nominate bad bondage scenes and vote for the worst of them, providing us with objective, logical assessments of bondage in film and movies."

"We hope that these awards will terrify movie producers, distributors and directors, who are noted for responding to the least little pressure from special interest groups, into improving the quality of bondage onscreen," said Linnea Quimley. "Each year when the Loosie Awards are presented, everyone will fear the avalanche of publicity and public opprobrium that will accompany them."

In closing, all the stars sang a rousing chorus of "I Am Woman, Here Me Roar". They then tied thin cleave gags on one another, and proceeded to sing another rousing chorus of "I Am Woman," which was indistinguishable from the verse sung without any gag at all. Finally, they pulled down the cleave gags and proceeded to remove certain intimate garments and place them in each others' mouths before reaffixing the cleave gags and singing yet another chorus of "I Am Woman." A chorus which was considerably muted and whose lyrics were almost totally unintelligible, and very much lower in volume than the earlier choruses. It was truly a touching way to end the conference.

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