Kathy Ireland in "Gridlock"

OK, here's the plot. A group of amoral gold speculators have purchased a huge amount of gold bullion and kidnapped Kathy Ireland. Then they've force her to sit on each individual ingot they've purchased, one at a time. Their plan is to stamp each individual ingot with a seal certifying that it has been in contact with Kathy's sweet spot for a full minute, then reselling it for many times its original price.

They wanted Kathy to sit naked on the ingots, but she refused, saying "If I won't do nude shots for Playboy, why do you think I'd do them for you?"

ALSO FROM PAT POWERS

So they tied her up and gagged her to break her spirit, not realizing that models are kind of used to sitting around in the same position for hours at a time, and that many of them are happy not to talk because that means they don't have to think of things to say. A strange oversight, considering that they knew enough about model intelligence to know that Kathy would never figure out that there was no reason she couldn't take the gag off with her bound hands.

The villain's plan would have the inevitable effect of destabilizing world gold markets. But who cares about that? The important thing is, supermodels from Tyra Banks to Claudia Schiffer would be kidnapped by gold cartels to boost THEIR earnings. And that would destabilize the fashion markets.

Well, that's the kind of stuff that gets the attention of the Trilateral Commission pretty quickly, and before you know it, squads of heavily armed Fashion Police are...

What? This movie has nothing to do with any of that? It's about a bunch of idiot terrorists who go around blowing up bridges in Manhattan? I have GOT to stop watching Mystery Science Theater 3000...

Well ... never mind, then. Here's your Loosie Award, guys.

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