Eyeholes ... eyeholes ... argh!

A few weeks after I started the conferring Loosie Awards upon filmmakers in the Bad Bondage Hall of Shame, I realized I had a problem (yeah, yeah, it's about time, right). Obtaining examples for the various kinds of bad bondage was easy, in fact it was too easy. I soon discovered that bad bondage was the norm in mainstream films. Securing hands in front without securing them to anything was more common than securing hands behind. If gags are tape they tend to be small and loose. If gags are cleave they tend to be thin and to have no wadding. Over the mouth gags are still with us, too.

What's worse, gags that are so loose the damsel must bite down on them to hold them in place are not at all rare. Bonds that demand some cooperation from the damsel to stay in place are common. And manacles that are twice the diameter of the damsel's wrist are the rule rather than the exception.

So after having catalogued all the common kinds of bad bondage, I restricted myself to posting Loosies that were particularly egregious examples of bad bondage, or which were spectacularly, weirdly stupid.

ALSO FROM PAT POWERS

That's kinda what the scene depicted above is all about, except that it's not really an example of anything, because I don't think anyone else has ever been this stupid. It's a scene from "Amazon Warrior" in which the titular Amazon (played by J. J. Langer) has been captured by an evil general who killed her mom and a few hundred other people. She's pissed at the general and has killed quite a few of his warriors, enough that she's become a legendary creature, "The Angel of Death" to his soldiers. Displaying her helpless and bound is a triumph for the general.

The bad guys put a hood over her and tie her arms to a crossbar. Except that they don't really TIE her to the crossbar, her wrists just hang in wide loops dangling from the crossbar, not secured there in any way. That's bad bondage, all right. But it's not the SPECTACULARLY bad bondage I'm talking about.

It's the hood, man. The hood. Look at it. It has EYEHOLES!!! What the hell? Eyeholes? Why the hell would they put EYEHOLES in the hood of a captured enemy warrior who's been shish-kebabing them by the dozen? I mean, think about it. You take a bag and put it over the Amazon's head and secure it in place with a rope. You got yourself one helpless Amazon. But then you go and cut holes in the bag so your helpless captive won't be so ... helpless?

Now, they did have a section where all the people that Langer was supposed to protect and help turn out to be in the pay of the general, and who gleefully explain why they betrayed her to him. Then the general kills them all while Langer watches.

Now you could say they put the eyeholes in so Langer could react while her former friends disclose their betrayals, and while the general kills them. But ... why the HELL didn't they just take the hood off so we could see Langer's face as she reacted? I mean, Langer's not gonna put Meryl Streep out of business, but I'm sure she could manage the kind of broad emotion that's called for when people shove steel through other people's bodies.

No matter how you cut it, that weird-ass hood with eyeholes just doesn't make sense. The only reason people wear hoods with eyeholes is to hide their identities while they do things they shouldn't, like executioners, chainsaw massacre-ers and Klansmen. And that's not the reason for Langer's wearing the hood.

Well, I suppose I could say I posted this to the Bad Bondage Hall of Shame as an example of the rule where you shouldn't put eyeholes in the hood of your captive, but frankly if you are that stupid, you probably also need rules about things like not beating yourself over the head with a baseball bat.

For now I'll just say ... eyeholes?

Return to the Loosie Awards Hall of Shame