Chairobscuro:

An image from von Schnerk's chairobscuro opus, Deadly Danger Trap.

It is with no small misgivings that we introduce an entirely new category of bad bondage scenes into the Damsel in Distress Hall of Shame. Chairobscuro is a lighting technique which involves using little or no light at all to achieve its effect. Many, many damsel in distress scenes have used this effect, often so effectively that recognizing it as a damsel in distress scenes requires deductive rather than visual skills.

In this scene from the movie Hard Rain, someone -- probably Minnie Driver -- is chained or cuffed to something or other and it may be that someone is doing something terrible to her, or rescuing her. Chairobscuro at its finest.

To describe the chairobscuro technique, we can do no better than the great B-movie director J. J. von Schnerk, from his semi-famous memoir, "Action, You Cows!"

In this image from an X-files episode called "Road Runner," Scully is tied spreadeagled and face down on a bed. Her legs are spread really far apart and she's stark naked so you can see right up ... OK, she's not naked, but really, what difference does it make, under the circumstances?.

"Ze chairobscuro iz a device vich we use to build ze zuspense," says von Schnerk. "You make ze scene really dark so ze audience cannot really see what iz goink on. Ze audience is peering and peering at ze screen sayink, "What in ze hell is goink on dere, I cannot zee a think! Zey are in zuspense, automatically. Ze darker ze better. Zis is where der George von Lucas messed up in Star Wars II. It started out with ze screen zaying, "It is a dark time for ze Rebellion." Well, zey should have MADE it a dark time for ze rebellion onscreen! Lots of closeups of faces where you can barely zee zee outlines of der heads. Zat zort of ting for zee whole movie. Would have been blockbuster!

We're not sure what film this scene is from. We're not sure what's going on this scene, or who it's going on to. Perhaps a rescue, perhaps not. Who know, it's chairobscuro!

"Now as to zee damsel in distress scenes, a favorite of mine, well, ze whole point of zee scene is der suspense. Will ze damsel escape? Will ze hero rescue her? Or will she be blown to bitzies or run over by der train or sliced up by ze saw? It's all good! It's a very zuspenseful, dramaticsl situation. Zen you add in ze chairobscuro, and zee zuspense goes up one thouzand percent! Zee audience cannot zee der damsel! What in zee hell iz goink on? Now ze question iz not chust WILL she be rescued, but IS she beink rescued? Incredible!

An image from the Canadian TV series DaVinci's Inquest in which something or other happens to a damsel in a trunk.

"I once made ze film, "Deadly Danger Trap" which was filmed ENTIRELY in chairobscuro. It was broadcast over the radio, mit de audienze zimulating ze theater experience by zitting mit der eyes closed. It was wonderful think. Several people said zey deliberately sat on der edge of dere zeats throughout ze broadcast. Chairobscuro is great zuspense-building too, you don't have to be cheenyoos like me to figure zat out. But it helps. of course."

Here's Charisma Carpenter (we think) bound in the TV series, Angel. We think that thing around her neck is a collar, if that's her neck it's around. Really, we just don't know.

This then, is chairobscuro. Although it is not one of the great techniques of cinematography, no one can deny that it is definitely -- a technique. And if it gains recognition nowhere else, at least here it will receive its well deserved Loosie Award.

Return to the Loosie Awards Hall of Shame

"Mulder ... Mulder ... I know you can hear me through this gag, it's just a thin cleave gag. Now, if you don't unlock that door, I can't do that scene where I crawl across the floor with my hands and feet tied, using mostly my breasts ... "