ALSO FROM PAT POWERS

"Well, here I am, just sitting here on the bed. Dum dah de/guess he caught me. If only I could pull this cloth gag off my mouth and yell for help. But my hands are tied together right here in front of me. And it would be really great if I could reach forward and untie my feet -- then I could run away to safety. But my hands are tied. Not to anything in particular, just each other, but still -- they're tied, and that must count for something. If only my hands weren't tied! I could untie my hands if they weren't so ... tied. Just look at the way that rope holds my wrists in such close proximity to one another, rendering my hands practically useless, I guess. Of course, baseball players use both hands at the same time to swing a baseball bat. And golfers use both hands to swing a club. And some tennis players use both hands to swing a racket. But I guess you have to be a great athlete to do those kinds of things. You can't expect a woman whose hands are tied together to ... pull on rope. Besides, to free my legs I'd have to bend them at the same time as I pulled on the rope. Talk about complex! And even if I COULD somehow use my fingers when they're so close to one another, it would probably be morally wrong to do so. I'll just ask the villain about that next time I see him. Oh, that's right, I'm gagged. Damn. Nothing I can do about that, either, I mean, who ever heard of someone putting their hands up close to their face when they're close together? A damsel in distress just can't get a break around here."

For forcing Lory Walsh to act this stupid, we present the directors of this Charlie's Angel's episode with a Hands In Front Loosie Award.

It's not as if television producers don't know about the potential harmful effects of binding hands in front for villains, as this vidcap illustrates. This damsel in distress is tape gagged and her hands are taped together in front of her. But she's gotten her bound hands on a revolver, and look at that! Not only does the tape not hinder her use of the revolver in any way, it actually binds her hand in the proper double-handed grip favored by police academy trainers everywhere. Granted, her ability to shout "Freeze, sucker!" is greatly hampered, but there's nothing to keep her from blowing great, big gaping holes in the villains who've tied her. And if she chose to do so, would it be gratuitous violence, or would it be an illustration of evolution in action?

Here's Betsy Russell fleeing a burning cabin in Delta Heat. Her hands are still tied in front of her (they were secured over her head to a rafter, so no Loosie Award for this film) and her mouth is gagged, but note that she's outrunning everybody else. So freeing your legs alone can be pretty darned handy, even if you're gagged and your hands are tied.

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