copyright 2005 by Pat Powers
It's time that we create a whole new series of categories for movies. The ones we have now just don't work. The broad categories of "Drama" "Comedy" and "Documentary" may still have some utility, but the subcategories just don't describe the movies that are actually out there.
Therefore I've come up with several new categories that better fit what's actually being produced. Check them out:
Expendable erotic thrillers
You know 'em, they're sparped out a dime a dozen by Hollywood studios because they're SOOOO cheap to make. You hire a couple of halfway competent actors and several not-so-competent actors who are willing to take their clothes off and fake having sex. You shoot it using cheap locations with street clothes, a few squibs and some fake blood for the big fight at the end, you're done. No special effects, no period costumes, no big explosions, few if any stunts. The script costs peanuts, and who the hell cares about it anyway so long as we get some nekked humping? If one such movie doesn't work, you put out another. They're so cheap, they're expendable.
Exploding car action movies
Nowadays most action movies feature exploding cars. The few that don't are much more imaginative and interesting than those that do. So let's create a category that makes a useful division between the good ones and the rest.
Sleep-inducing horror movies
Will the slasher catch the teenagers before they have sex, or after? Nobody really cares. If only the score weren't so loud, we could all get some sleep, 'cause there's nothing on the screen worth keeping our eyes open for.
Lifetime Channel Evil That Men Do Movies
Lifetime Channel Women in Prison movies
Sometimes the evil that men do gets women put in prison, where male guards torment them, beat them and sometimes rape them. But sometimes its female inmates who torment them, beat them and sometimes rape them. So you really can't call it "Evil that men do." It's more of an equal opportunity thing.
Headline of the Moment Movies
My daughter has anorexia because she got worked up by TV talk shows and stopped taking her ritalin and joined a street gang and got tattoos and wants to have anal sex with Goths...
Dull People Ineptly Stoking The Fires of Their Three-Quarters-Dead Libidos movies (formerly romantic comedies).
Meg Ryan. Julia Roberts. Janeane Garafolo. And most male actors who are generally described as "heartthrobs" but ESPECIALLY Richard Gere. And let's not forget Tom Hanks here. You can't imagine ANY of the characters in these movies voluntarily having sex and enjoying it. But oh, do they ever get off complaining about never getting any.