Alex Meneses:
Best Performance In Handcuffs And A Thong

copyright 2005 by Pat Powers

I have to wonder about the guys who get all excited about A-list celebrities doing nude scenes or bondage scenes, when so many of the women who regularly do such scenes are so breathtakingly beautiful and have more than enough acting chops to handle the feeble demands their roles generally place upon them.

Case in point, Alex Meneses, the female lead in the "Payback" episode of the adultish anthology series "Hot Line." That's her picture at the top of the page, performing in a scene in which her costuming consists entirely of a pair of thong panties, a pair of handcuffs, and a pair of naked breasts. Just look at her face -- Meneses is breathtakingly beautiful in this scene, and also red-hot.

To my tastes she is far better looking than Sandra Bullock, Meg Ryan, Jennifer Lopez and most of the other A-list stars who grace the screen. In fact, if you were to magically substitute most A-list stars for Meneses in "Payback" I'd be ... disappointed. They just aren't as beautiful as Meneses, or as sexy.

Now, Meneses isn't a total unknown. She's had a regular recurring role on the TV series "Everybody Loves Raymond," and has guest-starred on quite a few TV shows and had major roles in several movies. But she's not exactly A-list -- I hadn't heard of her at all until I did some research on her after seeing her in "Payback."

I think the reasoning -- if that's the right word for it -- of the guys who like celebs over all runs something like this:

Problem is, it just isn't true. Actresses occupy niches, they aren't generic. Meg Ryan, Julia Roberts and Sandra Bullock, for example, occupy the America's Sweetheart niche. They get the lead in romantic comedies aimed at couples (i.e., women). Then you got your Brilliant Thespian niche (Meryl Streep) your Hot Babe niche (Nicole Kidman, with Charlize Theron working at it) your Older but Still Hot Babe niche (Susan Sarandon, Michelle Pfeiffer, Kim Cattrall) your Brilliant Up and Comer Who Might Do Just About Anything (currently held most strongly by Oscar winner Jennifer Connelly, but with Angelina Jolie and Heather Graham hot on her tail) and prolly a couple others I can't remember offhand.

The dead giveaway that these are niches and not just made-up categories is this: none of these actresses have big tits. I mean, they've got OK racks, but Jennifer Connelly has the nicest rack and she's not all THAT out there. And in fact rumor has it that she's had her rack reduced for Oscar considerations, as Christina Ricci has. What a shame.

Now, in the real world (as opposed to the Hollyworld) women have racks of varying sizes. You don't HAVE to buy big tits to have big tits, some women get them from a generous Nature. Case in point: Laura San Giacomo, who has a huge rack but clearly never bought it, because her every instinct is to hide it.

You'd think that if the women at the A-list got there on talent and sexiness, there's be a big-busted babe in there somewhere just as a matter of chance, but there isn't, because as is widely known in Hollywood, you don't get the A-list roles if your melons are too extra large. And although no one will say it out loud or admit to it, you don't get the big roles if you're too sexy, either.

A-list stars are not SUPPOSED to be sexy. None of them have figures that come close to matching the figures of the actresses cited in the "Pornbodies" banter -- Alexis Taylor, Jenna Jameson and Stacy Burke -- and the A-list stars don't exactly have blazing libidos, either. Most of their romantic comedies, after all, are about women who DON'T have very good sex lives.

The women who are in Skinamax films are there because they are VERY sexy and VERY good-looking.

That's why I'm not all that interested in seeing A-list stars take on Skinamax roles. What I'd be VERY interested in is seeing Skinamax stars get offered A-list roles. Because that would mean that the prohibition against sexiness in A-list stars was over. Right now, except for one little ray of light, it seems to remain in full force. But that ray of light is important -- Jennifer Connelly's Oscar after doing naked lesbian double dildo sex in "Requiem for a Dream" is, well, exceptional. And rumor has it that Maggie Gyllenhaal may get an Oscar nomination for "Secretary." That would be ... indicative.

While I don't expect anybody to be nominated for an Oscar FOR a super-sexy performance in a mainstream film, simply the fact that actresses can take such roles and get positive attention is a big step forward.

Yes, I'm waiting for Alex Meneses to get her Oscar for Best Performance in a Thong and Handcuffs. It's just a matter of time -- but maybe, a LOT of time.