Shows that Ought to Exist

And now, a Lifetime original movie:

"Not Without My Vibrator"

A woman's estranged husband moves back to Klukistan. She keeps the kids, but he takes her precious vibrator. Witness a mother's journey as she fights an entire subcontinent of religious zealots and sexual predators to get her precious joy buzzer back, aided only by the handsome young home appliance salesman she meets along the way. Not even a long stint in a Middle Eastern prison chained to various non-vibrating surfaces with the many beautiful, naked, horny lesbians who populate Klukistan's prison system will stop this courageous mother, who's willing enough to leave Klukistan, but ... not without her vibrator!

Deeply Chagrined Studios bring you a movie that is a heartfelt apology to bondage fans everywhere:

Nancy Drew and the Mystery of the Olde Inne and Oute

This was conceived as an apology movie. The film's writer/director, Zalman King, mindful of the tremendous slight that was done to the bondage community by earlier Nancy Drew movie and TV series makers, decided to make amends. (The original Nancy Drew novels were famous for the frequency and variety of their bondage scenes -- almost as if the largely female readers were expected to like them -- but none of the many Nancy Drew movies, and no episode of the Nancy Drew TV series contained any bondage scenes at all.)

Mystery of the Inne and Oute was therefore written as a bondage fest for Nancy, played by a very flexible Sarah Michelle Gellar (aka Buffy the Vampire Slayer). Also, the role of George, Nancy's friend, was rewritten slightly, so that George became Nancy's "friend," i.e., lesbian lover and bondage mistress -- played by Melissa Joan Hart (aka Sabrina the Teenaged Witch).

Secret Dungeon is set in the early adulthood of Nancy and George. Their friendship has blossomed into love, and their many experiences being bound and gagged has had a profound effect on their sexuality.

Now they are working their way through college doing a specialty act as nude escape artists at strip clubs -- but they're both majoring in criminology and are the same courageous crime busters they always were. When a gang of shifty Goreans rides their choppers into town and starts selling cheap knock-offs of Sybians as the real thing, it's time for Nancy and George to swing into action, as soon as they're out of their straight jackets.

This time, it's a personal as one person's person can get.

Extremely Rancid Justice

Loose cannon Hawk Horowitz is back again in this sequel to the semi-popular "Rancid Justice," as a cop so tough that most criminals shoot themselves rather than risk being arrested by him. This time he's facing his most deadly adversary ever -- himself. A lifetime of cuffing female suspects has finally had its effect on him, and when he finally realizes that EVERYONE is a potential suspect in any crime, he begins cuffing every attractive woman he sees, then patting them down, being very careful to check out all the nookies and crannies where contraband might be concealed.

When news of this crime wave of cuffed and fondled women reaches police headquarters, they put their toughest cop on it -- Hawk himself. He spares no effort in his search for himself, but finds himself to be wily, elusive prey -- it's almost as if he can read his own mind.

Meanwhile, the pat downs of cuffed, shackled and now gagged women escalate to strip searches and even vaginal probes. Will Hawk catch himself before he does something less fun? Don't miss the riveting chase scenes, the exploding buildings and the sense-free dialogue as Hawk Horowitz proves once again that there's no justice like rancid justice.

When they took over the skyscraper, they had no idea that there wasn't enough rope in the world to keep Joan Mocklane in bondage. Nor would anyone tell them.

Tie Hard

Terrorists take over a skyscraper as part of a sinister plot so complex that even they don't understand it fully. Unfortunately, they only find one occupant, off-duty police officer Joan Mocklane, who is their only hostage. They'd hoped for a whole office full and had brought yards of rope, dozens of cuffs, spreader bars, ball gags, anklets, head harnesses, strap-in vibrators and what-have-you.

Disappointed, they make the best of it by stripping Joan naked using all the ropes, cuffs, spreader bars and what-have-you they can to tie her in a particularly humiliating posture with a strap-in locked inside her and doing its buzzy work on her hormones.

Certain that they've got Joan totally tied, the bad guys ignore her and go on to menace people by telephone. This gives Joan the opportiunity she needs to slip her bonds and go exploring through all the air conditioning ducts with her hands cuffed behind her back, a ball gag in her mouth, a vibrator between her legs and her ankles shackled together -- something she's wanted to do since shortly after puberty.

The villains recapture her about 15 minutes after they notice she's gone, and tie her up in an even more stringent bondage. Which she quickly escapes, demonstrating in the process how to crawl across a floor while naked and hogtied without making a sound.

This process occurs repeatedly for the bulk of the movie, with each new bondage more severe and stringent, each escape that much more difficult and demanding, and a new villain dropping from exhaustion after each search for the inexaustible Joan, who's such a "Tie Hard." Joan becomes progressively more battered, bruised and bloody from each new foray into an attempted escape in what eventually becomes ludicrously strict bondage, but at the end she emerges triumphant.

Sometimes the romance of a lifetime is just a mouse-click away...

You've Got A Master!

Slave Meg has a small, personal website that she runs just for her pleasure and that of a few of her online friends. Master Tom has several huge, successful megasites that attract hundreds of thousands of visitors every day, bringing him millions each year. Conflict erupts as Master Tom decides her 40 uniques a day should be his, because he wants them.

Meanwhile, despite his wealth and success as a bondage imprimateur, Master Tom is a lonely man who haunts bondage chatrooms in hopes of finding the perfect slave. Eventually he connects with a kindred soul online, one "Slave Meg." They are soon building mutual fantasies in which Master Tom binds and utterly dominates Slave Meg, to her great delight. Master Tom's impulses so beautifully match hers that she is certain she has found her true master at last.

Her native caution is still with her, however. She will not send him pictures of her face, but does send him pictures of the rings embedded in her labia. He recognizes them from her website, and realizing who she is, goes to her home, chains her up, gags her, dominates her utterly, and they live happily ever after as master and slave, leaving the website business altogether in order to raise avocados.

Life, truth and beauty explode all over the life of a naive young private detective as he rips the truth from a clown-infested seaside town in a relentless search for a nonexistent snuff film!

8 1/2 MM

Nicholas Cage is one sad clown of a private detective in this story of one man's epic odyssey of discovery. Breathtaking visuals of naked women in ball gag harnesses riding unicycles by lovely French seaside towns highlight Cage's search for a missing woman.

Her adoptive parents have hired Cage to find her, horrified because they have found images of her engaging in acts of sexual bondage on a pornographic video and fear that she may have appeared in a snuff film. She's seen naked and wearing a ball gag being tied into various configurations that can only be described as pretzel-like, which reveal her womanly curves and the soft, moist delicacies of her inner labia as she moans and groans piteously at the cheerful blonde woman who ties and fondles her and finally finishes her off with a vibrator. If she can endure a fate worse than death on video, surely death itself, a lesser experience, could not be far behind.

Cage resolutely enters the seedy world of porn freaks, as they're called, determined to ferret out the daughter from the vile pornographers who have secreted her away into their foul clutches.

Unfortunately for Cage, the search takes no time whatsoever. He calls the film distributor, who gives him the name of the video producer, who is also the woman who made the video and tied the girl up. Laralee, as she's called, is reluctant to reveal the phone number and address of a model to someone who may be a stalker, instead she gets Cage's number and give it to the girl, who calls Cage about 15 minutes later. Cage is able to convince her that he has indeed met with her adoptive parents.

She says she was planning to visit them in about three months for Thanksgiving like she always does and promises to give them a call and assure them she's all right. Cage says her parents are pretty freaked-out and nothing but a face-to-face meeting will do. She says OK, and her parents fly down to L.A. and meet with her and some of her friends for dinner at a nice restaurant that serves 14 different kinds of lettuce and no meat for $20 a head. (Hey, it's nice money if you can get it.)

Will she be able to convince her parents that she's having a fabulous time and that she's already broken into b-movie films and is learning film editing, and that snuff films don't exist? Andrea's (that's the girl's name) long dinner conversation is the heart of the film, and as she makes poignant observations on life and love and so forth, you can't help but feel that the sad clowns who are tying up slavegirls in the background of the restaurant will soon be smiling with enlightenment.

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