Why Isn't There A Naked Woman Dancing Channel?

Or at least a Half Naked Women Dancing TV Channel?

Here's Playboy Playmate Sandy Greenburg, a very good dancer (thought it doesn't show in this vidcap, she has a VERY sinuous way of moving her hips) dancing in a Playboy Playmate Music Video. I think there should be a channel full of stuff like this, nonstop. Don't you?

I don't really spend that much time just watching TV, and I don't know that many people that do. Most guys I know, and most women for that matter, spend more of their time surfing the Web than watching TV. TV is nowadays a background medium for Web surfing. I don't have that much time or interest just to sit down and watch most programs.

Here's Playboy Playmate Rebecca Armstrong dancing while wearing a thong and bra in another Playboy Playmate Music Video. I could handle a channel full of THIS stuff, too. And by THIS stuff, I mean a channel full of hotties dancing in skimpy thongs and bras. More on this later.

And most dramatic or comedy programs, and even a lot of reality TV programs have a plot progression so you really have to watch from the beginning to get the full impact of what's going on, and frankly taking the time to do that is rarely rewarding.

Here's a scene from "Chupacabra: Terror at Sea." Sure it looks good NOW, -- I mean, what a RACK on that damsel! -- and it'll look good for the next five minutes or so. But there's two hours of incredibly dull movie wrapped around this image. Who wants to bother, especially when you're doing something other than watching TV? (Which you'd BETTER be, otherwise, you're in for some major boredom.)

What's really needed in this age of Web surfing is a channel where you can drop in anytime and see something that's at least mildly entertaining without having to invest any time or mental energy to catch up on what's happening.

OK, for the record, this woman is not legally naked. She is wearing an actual thong bikini. See those two thin lines leading down to her butt crack? They're the straps of her thong bottom. You can see a tiny little brown thing right at the top of her butt crack that I believe connects her waist thong straps with the one running between her butt cheeks, unseen as it is entirely hidden by them. But it's there. So she's not naked. I'd watch a woman dressed like that with about equal pleasure to watching a woman dance stark naked.

Hence, the "Naked Women Dancing Channel." Of course, the Naked Women Dancing Channel would have to be a premium channel. But it would be just about as good to have a Half Naked Women Dancing channel where the women dance about in thong bikinis, and it wouldn't have to be a premium channel. This would probably make more sense than a Naked Women Dancing, as wives and such would find the Half Naked Women Dancing channel less alarming than a Naked Women Dancing Channel. But hey, if the project would only be feasible as a premium channel, I would totally pay that fee.

It would take no time or effort to catch up on what was happening on the Half Naked Women Dancing Channel ... a half naked woman would be dancing, as is always the case on this channel, except for commercials.

Here's Playmate Donna Edmonson from a Playmate Music Video. Nothing but stuff like this on the Naked Woman Dancing Channel, 24/7. She doesn't do anything clearly describable as dancing in her music video, but ... but ... what was I saying?

Some people might argue that premium sex channels like Spice are the same thing, but they aren't really. Hardcore sex scenes don't really make good background ... either you are very interested in them or you're not interested in them at all. Half naked women dancing on the other hand, would be something rewarding to look at between sites. And when you weren't looking at the channel, you could enjoy the music in the background. And if the music sucked (there would be all different kinds of course, like any video music channel) well, that's what the "mute" button on the remote is for.

It's really hard to watch stuff like what's portrayed on this Sex and Submission ad in the background. Either you're very very very interested in it, or you're not interested at all.

This idea seems so simple, so foolproof, so compelling, that I can't see how it would fail. It would totally be my default channel, from which I would venture only to watch those rare specific programs I like (The Daily Show, Mythbusters, NCIS and a couple of others).

So why doesn't this channel ALREADY exist? I think I have a clue. You see, there is a series of videos that are close to what I am describing, and that's the Playboy Playmate Music Videos. They were available for rental in many video stores back in the 80s. They consisted entirely of naked and half-naked Playmates dancing to pop and jazz ballads. Songs like "Blacklight Trap" and "The Way You Do The Things You Do" and "Uptown Girl" and whatever that jazz piece that Pat Metheny did that got a lot of play on the video channels in those days.

Scene from a Playboy Fantasies video. The woman is fantasizing about wearing her ankles as earrings, and there's some very tasty jazz going in the background. The thin blue line is an artifact that's explained further down in the text.

There was also a Playboy series called "Fantasies" that was essentially sexual vignettes set to music, mostly some very tasty jazz instrumentals. "Fantasies" was a little easier to watch because the women in it were not required to dance. (It is obvious from watching the music videos that many Playmates have two left feet, perhaps even three left feet, and the video producers were reduced to having the Playmate writhe about languidly in bed, or wave translucent scarves about languidly as they writhed. It's pretty sad stuff.)

A Playmate sits on a bed and waves one arm languidly during her Playmate Music Video, unable to dance and hence sitting with her back to us, unwilling to show her face. Nice butt anyway.

I obtained a bunch of them back in the 80s and regularly watch them when there's nothing to watch on TV and I don't feel like being bothered by plots and so forth. Which is, pretty durned regularly.

Unfortunately, these tapes are from the 1980s, and they're starting to age. Getting kinda grainy, the music gets a little draggy in places -- just check out the pathetic vidcaps I was able to pull from them (see reference to thin blue line in the caption of the woman fantasizing about wearing her ankles as earrings-- and see blurry vidcap immediately above). So I recently decided to go online and buy copies of the videos and upgrade, figuring that more might have been made in the meantime so I could expand my library of them, and I could probably pick up the ones I already had cheap on Half.com.

I had to work Photoshop like a MULE to get an image looking this good from my tapes, and it's still kinda grainy and blurry. They're old and rare and unfindable. This is Playmate Shannon Long lolling on a beach in lieu of dancing in her Playmate Music Video. I'm down with that, though I'd prefer good dancing.

How wrong I was. I could not find ANY Playmate Music Videos or Fantasies online. I did not find them on Half.com. I did not find them on Ebay. I did not find them on Amazon.com. I did not find them on Playboy.com. I could not Google a source for them.

My only hope, it seems, is to find them at some video rental place.

But the interesting question is, why are they unavailable online? When obtaining the most obscure old movie online -- such as "Vicious Circles" which I did quite recently -- is a trivial matter and the cost is quite low, why are Playmate Music Videos and Playboy Fantasies fricking unpossible to obtain?

Here the MST3K gang watch one of the few bondage-related scenes on "Outlaw of Gor" in which a chained slavegirl is auctioned -- while still clothed. The movie deserved all the snarking it got, though the MST3K gang, normally quite sophisticated, seemed entirely unaware of the source materials' bondage origins. That would have made for some nice snarking. I've no idea of the copyright status on this one.

The only similar situation I know of is the problem the folks over at MST3K have been having with the videos. It seems there are copyright issues with some of the movies they snarked so well. Especially in the early years, when they had no idea how long-lasting and worthwhile their videos could be economically, they did not get the rights in perputuity they needed to sell the tapes for decades, as they do nowadays. So now a lot of MST3K movies can't be sold, even though they are still funny as hell. There is no justice!

Copyright issues, hmm. And what is the principal ingredient of Playboy Music Videos, right after naked dancing women? Music. Popular music. Copyrighted music. Copyrights "protected" by one of the scummiest, most evil, rotten, disgusting bunch of slimeballs on the planet -- no, I'm not talking about the Bush Administration, I'm talking about the Recording Industry Association of America!

Here's another Playboy Fantasy. It involves bathing, a popular topic for Playboy Fantasies. The folks at Playboy must figure bathing is an exotic act to their viewers. Talk about "unwashed masses!"

Oh! Bathing with a blonde who looks like THAT! OK, that is a little on the exotic side.

That could be the problem right there. Even a corporate entity with the clout of Playboy would not care to go up against those guys. So they probably deep-sixed all their music videos in favor of their many other naked woman-flavored products.

I mean, there's no other reason, really, because even if your product consists of a box full of old videos that only sell at a rate of two or three a week, it costs practically nothing to market them on the Web. Playboy undoubtedly already has an in-house fulfillment department handling all their OTHER video products, so even at minimal sales, the music videos would constitute free money, in essence.

I 'd watch a woman dressed like this do some hot dancing. You would too, admit it.

Nope, if Playboy COULD legally sell their music videos, they WOULD sell them, or if not Playboy, SOMEBODY would. There's too much obscure crap for sale on the Web to believe that a product like that would be ignored.

So if Playboy isn't selling their music videos -- and neither is anybody else, at least online where you imagine they'd be sold -- then the same difficulties might apply to any collection of naked woman dancing videos. Unless the women are dancing in total silence, or unless the company totally owns the rights to the music they dance to, the RIAA, the terrorists of copyright law, is going to come after their asses big time.

I would watch Luciana Salazar, dressed as she is in this photo, dance on the Half Naked Dancing Channel. Then again, who wouldn't?

I do have a naked dancing video in which I'm sure the company owns the rights to the music. It's a video called Love Is A Dancer and it, like the Playboy music videos, is from the 1980s. The early 80s maybe even the late 70s, to judge from the hair (both upstairs and downstairs).

Love Is A Dancer was apparently created when some guy had the bright idea to hire the strippers in his area (or club, the video has the low-budget look of something that might initially have been created to promote a particular strip club, however I doubt it because no logos or artwork promoting the club are in evidence) to dance naked and make a video of it.

The dancers all dance on the same tiny stripper stage, a raised platform with a pole at its center. Hell, if there were slave rings on it, it could be a slave auction block. Except it's all trimmed in dark blue furry stuff that was considered good carpeting in the 70s. The dancers are all pretty good, much better than the Playmates as a group in terms of dance skill. They are all quite attractive, though hardly a match for the Playmates in terms of looks, though it's hard to say exactly how much gap there is between them because they are all photographed in a dim orange haze that makes them all look as if they'd badly overdosed on artificial tanning ointment.

Under the bright lights typical of the Playmate videos, they might all have beautiful, glowing skin, or they might look like diseased mutants trying to hide the genetic abnormalities on their skin with tons of pancake makeup. It's impossible to tell, really.

(Actually, given that they're all strippers, they probably look OK, since that's a prime requisite for stripping.)

I would watch the women dressed in these swimsuits dance as well. Remember, they are not LEGALLY naked, no matter how naked they LOOK.

None of this is the problem, however. The problem is the music. There are three or four songs shared among the dancers, which means you hear them a lot. They're all by the same male vocalist, a tenor who can hold a note OK, but what he's working with mostly are drippy ballads, though there is at least one up-tempo song. They're OK when you've heard them once, but they are kinda tired by the time you've heard them three times, and since there's about a dozen dancers featured on the video, you DO get to hear each of them about three times on a single viewing of the video.

Repeat viewings? Let's just say, the mute button will prove its worth once again.

I mention Love Is A Dancer because it's a pretty good demonstration that you've got to have good music in order to have a good half-naked women dancing channel.

Much good research is being done in the very tiny bikini area. This woman is wearing an extremely tiny thong bikini, yet as you can see, no naughty bits are in evidence. I would watch a woman dance dressed in one of these.

I suppose you could have a half naked women dancing channel where women danced half naked in silence and left it up to the viewer to provide the soundtrack, but this path is fraught with difficulties. The women doing the dancing will need some kind of music to dance to (it just wouldn't be broadcast). So, what if the women are dancing to Nine Inch Nail's "Closer" and the viewer is listening to John Denver's "Thank God I'm a Country Boy?" I can't help but feel there'd be some disconnect between the music and the dancing.

One could presumably flash the name of the song the half naked women are dancing to on the screen so the viewer could put it on if available, but aside from availability issues, it seems likely that even putting the title of the song onscreen would have the foul denizens of the RIAA sharpening their claws.

Playmate Barbara Edwards in a Playboy Fantasies video, fantasizing that she has a stitch of clothing on. Poor girl. Fortunately, she has one of those pubic hair patches that works as well as a thong bottom. You just can't get videos like this any more ... really.

"It's an open invitation to people to listen to music that they may or may not have the legal right to hear," an RIAA spokesman would explain. "And we're especially concerned about the people who may not have the legal right to hear such music."

So my suspicion is that the reason there are no Playboy Music Videos or Playboy Fantasies videos for sale is that there are copyright issues related to the musical part of the video. And I suspect that for the same reason there is no half naked women dancing, or naked women dancing channel. Nobody wants to wind up paying out huge fees regularly for the rights to the music, or wrassling the slimy degenerates of the RIAA in court over said fees.

Here's Coco Austin, wife of the actor Ice T, and general all-around hottie. She's wearing a thong, though the straps around her butt appear to be strained to the utmost. I'd watch her dance in that outfit, yes I would. For more Coco Austin imagery and info, visit her website right here.

There remains the option of playing only music you have total ownership of. That however tends to produce a limited playlist, with a limited audience for it. It may be all right on the first airing, but by the 50th airing, your audience is likely to be watching with the mute on, if they are watching at all. (Or they could be playing an endless loop tape of "Honey" by Bobby Goldsboro, it takes all kinds of people to make up a world).

I still want my Naked or Half-naked women dancing channel, though. I think most regular guys would too. A men's channel like "Spike" is all right with its men in buzz cuts kicking the hell out of each other, its reality shows about explosions and generally dangerous stuff, its Bond films and its Star Trek reruns, but you know, that's all stuff you can get on other stations. What guys really want to see is naked or half-naked women dancing to catchy tunes, and plenty of them.

A hooded and gagged naked dancer (the top comes off a few moments later, along with the gag, but not the hood) played by Tina Shaw, from the movie Split Second. Hooded but not bound dancers makes a lot of sense if you think about it ... dance is about moving expressively, and moving the arms and legs is essential most of the time. A hood doesn't inhibit movement in any way. There's some very nice booty shaking done by this dancer in this scene, to prove the point.

Here's the back of the dancer's hood. That's some seriously strappy head bondage.

And if you could manage to put a gag or a leather hood on a dancer, or have her dance while bound in some way, why so much the better. If the dancer is Julie K. Smith, well, it don't get much better than that.

Former Penthouse Pet Julie K. Smith dances in a bondage hood, but this isn't a Playmate Video, it's the opening to the movie "Day of the Warior." It's ironic ... Smith is a far better dancer than any Playmate, in fact, she's a choreographer who worked with Elizabeth Berkley in "Showgirls". But no music videos for her. Fortunately, she does an incredible job in a film called "Midnight Tease 2."

Julie K. Smith does a truly hypnotic bit of butt dancing from the movie Midnight Tease 2. Jeebus, she's good. And you know you would rather watch this than almost anything on any non-premium cable channel. But sadly, this image means this is ...

the end.

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