Why is Kyle McLachlan's Dad Auctioning Off the Spice Girls' Mothers as Sex Slaves?

Meet the mysterious bondage images that may have led to a media empire.
Hey, is that Michael York in the foreground on the right?

The photos all show pretty much the same thing, a series of images in which Kyle McLachlan's father appears to be auctioning off the mothers of the Spice Girls as sex slaves.

I discovered the photos online many years ago. I've never been able to find anyone who can tell me definitively what the pictures are of where they came from, and I've asked people who would know.

There have been some theories offered, however. Someone said they thought they were from a kink magazine in Holland, and that could be the case, but to me they seem over-elaborate for photos from a non-mainstream sex mag of the late 60s or early 70s (not that I'm an expert or anything, although come to think of it, I am at least a knowledgeable amateur).

"Clothes? We know OF them. What do we need with clothes with our full 1970s or earlier style pubic bushes? Why, many modern thongs are more revealing than Nature's own pubic hair!"

Speaking as a knowledgeable amateur, I'd guess the photos are from the late 60s. The guys all have that mod hairstyle and the gals all have full pubic bushes. Also, everything about the photo just screams late 60s.)

What the photos look like to me are stills from some B-grade imitator of Story of O. It's also possible that the photos originate from something that it isn't really bondage porn of any kind, just a still from some little-known sexploitation film of the era which included a slave auction scene.

On the other hand, it's about the best-done slave auction scene ever created in a mainstream movie if that's the case: the slaves are auctioned stark naked, their wrists are bound behind their backs, and they're collared and leashed to an unseen fixture in the ceiling. They're also humiliated by Kyle McLachlan's dad, who bends each one over and displays her naughty bits to the audience. Kyle McLachlan's dad is clearly enjoying his role, too. You can almost see him thinking, 'The world will not soon forget the name of Fyddich McBraeskirm McLachlan after this movie comes out!"

"I can't BELIEVE how much fun this job is!" thinks Fyddich McBraeskirm McLachlan.

The slavegirls being auctioned also appear to be having a good time ... several of them wear barely suppressed grins in several of the photos, and in the photo above, the second slavegirl from right is outright smiling. Maybe she's a long-time beauty contestant and just can't suppress the impulse to smile as she's been trained to all her life. Or maybe she's thinking, "Oh boy, I'm really moving up in the world! Last year I was third topless female galley slave chained to an oar, seventh bench back on the left in the slave galley scene in "The Magic Christian" and now I'm second slavegirl from the right!"

"The infamous "I just don't think they're getting the whole 'terrified slavegirl' thing" Wall of Shame. Sadly, they also don't appear to get that whole shame thing, either."

The pix seem to have a goofy, innocent quality, as if everyone is thinking, "I'm a porn star now! We're going to be kinky and degenerate now, by darn!" But it's just not that convincing ... these people just don't have what it takes to be degenerate. They're trying, but they're much better at being a PTA or something.

It's hard to know what to make of these photos. Historians will no doubt be plagued for centuries by the questions created by these images. Barring some sort of lucky accident of historical discovery, the real truth may never be known. We have only speculation to go on.

Fortunately, we have plenty of that.

Let us begin by asking the obvious question: are these really the Spice Girls' mothers being auctioned off as sex slaves?

The only sane and sensible answer to this question is: yes, it is. It's a matter of Occam's razor, which declares that when you have two competing explanations for a phenomenon, the simplest explanation that answers all the questions posed by the phenomenon is the one that is correct.

The Spice Girls. Note their amazing resemblance to the slavegirls being auctioned by Kyle McLachlan's father. Except for Scary Spice, second from right. Clearly, Scary Spice's mother was a slavegirl purchased in a contract for a Slavegirl To Be Named At A Later Date."

Here we have a series of photos that look very much like Kyle McLachlan's dad auctioning off the Spice Girls' mothers as sex slaves. The simplest explanation is that they show Kyle McLachlan's dad auctioning off the Spice Girls' mothers as sex slaves. Any other explanation must invoke doppelgangers, long-lost identical twins, robot duplicates, shapeshifting aliens and the like. However plausible these explanations may seem on the surface, we must reject them in favor of accepting photographic reality for what it is, because it's simpler. It's just a matter of logic.

Left, we have Kyle McLachlan. Right, we have the slavegirl auctioneer, who looks an awful lot like he might be Kyle McLachlan's father, Fyddich McLachlan. Or whatever Kyle McLachlan's father's name might be. We don't really know. I mean, look how amazingly alike they look! A mere name doesn't matter.

Having established that these photos are in fact an historical record of some sort depicting Kyle McLachlan's dad auctioning off the Spice Girls' mothers* as sex slaves, the next question is, are these women being auctioned because they are the Spice Girls' mothers, or are the Spice Girls the Spice Girls because these women being auctioned off were their mothers?

Logic tells us that the more logical answer is that the Spice Girls became the Spice Girls because their grandmothers were auctioned as sex slaves together. (That's the problem with logic, it tells you that sort of thing.) When you're attempting to establish a causal link between two phenomena, you assume that the phenomenon that happened first is the one that caused the one that happened second. The logic is airtight, just as airtight as our proof that Sandra Bullock traveled in time in order to pose for the cover of a Gor novels back in the 1970s.

Now the question must be, what sort of sequence events could logically connect these auctioned cuties to the Spice Girls? How do you get from a bunch of naked women standing on an auction block with their hands tied behind their backs on an auction block in the 1970s to the Spice Girls of the 1990s? First of all, let us hypothesize that the women were purchased, not by different individuals, but by a single individual.

But why? Why would a man buy that many naked women? Oh, yeah, that's right ... because he COULD. But the fact that these women's offspring later became the Spice Girls indicates that this mysterious person whom we shall call "Purchaser X" had a plan, a plan of such insidious magnitude that it will require one to completely dispense with all rational skepticism to comprehend it.

Let us begin by assuming the obvious: that somewhere at the end of Purchaser X's plan we would have the Spice Girls or something like them. That is to say, that Purchaser X intended to breed a female supergroup from these slavegirls. Therefore, the thing that these women all had in common other than being the future mothers of Spice Girls, was that they could sing.

Singing is actually a quite common talent, certainly singing well enough to qualify for a pop girl group is quite common. That is actually a minor consideration for someone like Purchaser X. The real issues are physical attractiveness.

Physical attractiveness is important of course, and although some of these women are clearly not Spice Girl material, they're all basically healthy and attractive, certainly capable of giving birth to Spice Girls, especially if bred with sufficiently handsome males (Purchaser X himself perhaps?)

So with physical attractiveness and singing talent taken care of, what is the next most important quality for prospective members of a girl group, from the viewpoint of someone like Purchaser X?

Submissiveness, of course! Why submissiveness? Because, what's the biggest obstacle to a pop group's continued success once they've pegged that first gold record? Egotism! As has been conclusively demonstrated by researchers at MST3K's Satellite of Love facility, in their riveting study of "The Band That Sang California Lady" there's an almost inevitable tendency for pop groups to fall apart soon after their initial success.

A completely gratuitous photo of (left to right): Crow T. Robot, Mike Nelson and Tom Servo of the MST3K group, at their late lamented Satellite of Love facility. Gratuitous, yes, they're not even naked. This is just a pathetic attempt to look respectable on our part.

Purchaser X's obvious thought was athat with second-generation slavegirls, he would have the perfect docile female pop group! Women who wouldn't be distracted by who's getting all the media attention or who's being mastered by who or who's writing what songs. They'd just go out and play the music they were ordered to play, the way they were ordered to play it. They'd never miss a concert, or even a tour because they were too trashed out on drugs to take the stage. They'd just go out and play when ordered to, for as long as they were ordered to, because they were slavegirls and slavegirls do what they're ordered to do!

And MOST OF ALL, they would never, ever break up until they were TOLD to break up. As long as all that lovely money was rolling in, they'd STAY together, because they were slavegirls who'd been TOLD to stay together.

Normally, you only get that kind of docility in musical acts out of white-bread Republican faux-rock acts like Pat Boone and the Osmonds, who never had much personality to start with. (Female groups are very difficult in that way. Even the very white-bread Karen Carpenter managed to starve herself to death long before she came close to maxing out on her record sales, much less promotional opportunities.)

Karen Carpenter, as docile as she was, had only just begun to max out on her marketing and promotional opportunities when she passed away. It would never have happened if she'd been a slavegirl. Slavegirls eat what they're told to eat. All of it..

What Purchaser X was obviously looking for was a band that could generate "sexy" on a level with Madonna or Britney Spears, while remaining sufficiently servile to do what they're told and generate millions for their owners, er, promoters, without bothering their little slavegirly heads about things like contracts and copyright and so forth.

That was the goal, anyway. It was only a partial success. The Spice Girls DID hit the top of the charts and stayed there for several years, but the Spice Girls also broke up well before they maximized their earning potential. Apparently the slavegirl conditioning just didn't take with Geri Halliwell once all the wealth and so forth started rolling in. (Let this be a lesson to all of us: just because a woman is willing to pose naked for strangers, it doesn't mean she's necessarily slavegirl material.)

Geri Halliwell, aka Ginger Spice, poses nude, proving that just because you're willing to pose nude for the camera, it doesn't mean you're slavegirl material.

If the plan had worked, Purchaser X would probably still be rolling in the millions from the Spice Girls, just like whoever owns Madonna.

All of this is the result of simple logical extrapolation, each step arising naturally and easily from the one that preceded it. Oh, some people might try to offer baroque, tortured explanations about writers coming to wildly erroneous conclusions based on a fanciful resemblance between people in an old bondage photograph and Kyle McLachlan and the Spice Girls, but I'm sure no one would fall for anything as crazy as that.

As for why it's Kyle McLachlan's father auctioning the Spice Girls? Obvious. He was angling to get his son set up for the lead in "Showgirls." Do I have to explain everything?

*Clearly, Scary Spice's mother is not in this group (Scary Spice is the black Spice Girl). The simplest explanation is that she was bought as a Slavegirl To Be Named At A Later Date. Happens all the time, we hear.

It seems fitting to end this article with an example of a slavegirl auction that's much more typical of slavegirl auctions in mainstream movies, the Fully Clothed Slaveigrl Auction from "Kismet." Even this auction, with slavegirls dressed from neck to ankles, at least has the slaveigirls' wrists chained to a waistbelt, putting it far ahead of many other slavegirl auction scenes. C ontrast this image with the images of the Spice Girls auction, and you'll see how far the mainstream has to go.